Nation

“I’d like the crown back now, please, Your Majesty, ” said Mr. Black quickly. “I will give you a receipt, of course. ”

“Oh, it will all be so much better when we are crowned properly in London, ” said Grandmother. “Really this is just for — ”

“You will be silent, woman, ” said the king without raising his voice.

For a moment Daphne thought she was the only one to have heard. Grandmother hadn’t, because she still went on talking. And then her ears caught up with her tongue, and couldn’t believe their eyes.

“What did you say? ” she managed.

“Ah, you’ve got it right at last, Mother, ” said the king. “I’m me, not us. I am I, not we. One pair of buttocks on the throne, one head in the crown. You, on the other hand, are a sharp-tongued harridan with the manners of a fox and don’t interrupt me when I’m talking! How dare you insult our hosts! And before you utter a word, contemplate this: You treasure your elevation above what you call the lower classes, whom I’ve always found to be pretty decent people once they’ve had a chance to have a bath. Well, I am king, you see — king — and the very notion of nobility that you cling to like grim death means that you will not answer me back. You will, however, act with grace and gratitude during the remainder of our stay in this place. Who knows, it may speak to you as it has spoken to me. And if you are even now putting together a scathing remark, let me point out for your lengthy consideration the wonderful and highly advisable option of silence. That is a command! ”

The king, breathing a little heavily, nodded to the leader of the Gentlemen of Last Resort.

“That was all right, wasn’t it? ” he said to the Gentlemen of Last Resort. Grandmother was simply staring at nothing.

“Of course, sire. You are king, after all, ” murmured Mr. Black.

“’Scuse me, miss, ” said a voice behind Daphne. “Are you Miss Ermintrude? ”

She turned to see who’d spoken. One of the boats had returned and picked up more of the crew, and now she was staring at a small man in badly fitting clothes. They had clearly belonged to someone who had been happy to get rid of them.

“Cookie? ”

He beamed. “Told you my coffin’d keep me alive, miss! ”

“Papa, this is Cookie, who was a great friend to me on the Judy. Cookie, this is my father. He’s king. ”

“That’s nice, ” said Cookie.

“Coffin? ” said the king, looking bewildered again.

“I told you about him, Papa. Remember? The pockets? The mast and shroud? The tiny inflatable billiard table? ”

“Oh, that coffin! My word. How long were you at sea, Mr. Cookie? ”

“Two weeks, sir. My little stove ran out after the first week, so I made do with biscuits, mint cake, and plankton until I fetched up on an island, ” said the cook.

“Plankton? ” said Daphne.

“Strained it through my beard, miss. I thought, well, whales live on it, so why not me? ” He reached into his pocket and produced a grubby piece of paper. “Funny little island I landed on, too. Had the name on a brass plate nailed to a tree. I writ it down — look. ”

The king and his daughter read, in smudged pencil, Mrs. Ethel J. Bundy’s Birthday Island.

“It really exists! ” Daphne yelled.

“Jolly well done, ” said the king. “Do tell us all about it over dinner. Now, if you will excuse for me a moment, I have to reign. ” King Henry the Ninth rubbed his hands together. “Now, what else… ah, yes. Charlie, do you want to be an archbishop? ”

The Rt. Rev. Topleigh, who was packing his bag again, waved his hands wildly, a look of sudden dread on his face. “No, thank you, Henry! ”

“Really? Are you sure? ”

“Yes, thank you. They’d make me wear shoes. Love it down here among the islands! ”

“Ah, then you choose the big sea to a big see, ” said the king, in that slow, plummy voice people use when they are committing a really bad pun.

Nobody laughed. Even Daphne, who loved her father very much, could do no better than a sickly grin. Then her father did something that no one, not even a king, should do. He tried to explain. “Perhaps you all didn’t notice the pun or play on words? ” he said, sounding a little hurt. “I deliberately confused ‘a big sea, ’ that’s with an a, with ‘a big see, ’ with two es, meaning the area that comes under the jurisdiction of an archbishop. ”

“Technically that would be a province, sir, ” said Mr. Black gravely. “Bishops have sees. ”

“Although an archbishop is, strictly speaking, bishop of his home see, ” said Mr. Red thoughtfully. “That’s why the archbishop of Canterbury is also the bishop of Canterbury. But that would be a small see, and therefore would not work for the purposes of humor. ”

“There you have it, Your Majesty, ” said Mr. Black, giving the king a happy little smile. “With that small amendment your wonderful pun will be an absolute hoot in ecclesiastical circles. ”

“I notice you didn’t laugh, Mr. Black! ”

“No, Your Majesty. We are forbidden to laugh at the things kings say, sire, because otherwise we would be at it all day. ”

“Well, at least there is one thing I can do, ” said the king, walking over to Mau. “Sir, I would be honored if you will join my Empire. Not many people get a choice, I might add. ”

“Thank you, King, ” said Mau, “but we — ” He stopped, and turned to Pilu for assistance.